twenty four hours from now i will be on my way to airport. I do believe i am ready. The packing is pretty much done, other than the things i need to survive the next day. I’m feeling pretty crappy today, i am not sure if it would be solved by having some breakfast – we’ll work on that shortly. It’s been tough trying to figure out what to take this time. Mostly because of the seasons. Then again there is like a 20 degree difference in the temp there and here.

The baby shower went very well. She scored lots of goodies and the turn out was great. Of course my games had to be the best part of it. heh. Went out Saturday night but there wasnt much going on. Then again it was damn cold and only crazy people leave the house when it’s that cold. (:

The next time we speak I’ll be in my other home on the other side of the continent. till then over and out good buddies.

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It feels like i have a million things to do and no time left. In reality there are only a couple things i need to do before i think about packing. I’m at my aunts right now – i had planned to print of the baby shower games but her printer is not co operating ( mmm high speed, i forgot how much i loved you. I just downloaded music in less time than it would take me to check facebook in the morning). So here’s another afternoon wasted.

The baby shower is Saturday and the other sister is coming down for a day or so. I get some family time in before i fly off to the west. That leaves me roughly two days to try and tie up lose ends. I am sure I’ll manage but still.. fretfretfret

Things on the home front are good. I have voiced some of concerns and feel a little better about the situation but there is still hurt there that may never go away – but i am dealing. (:

that’s the quick and dirty.

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————-6 years ago———-

1.) How old were you?26
2.) Where did you go to school? The school of hard knocks. (:
3.) Where did you work? Matlyn
4.) Where did you live? Onslow, just outside of Truro
5.) Where did you hang out?at home, work, with rob.
6.) Did you wear glasses? yes
7.) Who were your best friends? Becka, Bren, Jay, Tasha
8.) How many tattoos did you have? 0
9.) How many piercings did u have? ears and button.
10)What car did you drive? n/a
11) Had you been to a real party? Of course
12) Heart broken? It was breaking at the time.
13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Taken.. advantage of..

————-3 years ago———-

1.) How old were you?:29
2.) Where did you go to school? No school
3.) Where did u work?I didn’t.
4.) Where did you live? Springhill
5.) Where did you hang out? Jeanie Maie, my mom – ha.
6.) Did you wear glasses?yes
7.) Who was your best friend?Jay, bren, Becka, Jeanie Maie.
8.) How many tattoos did you have?0
9.) How many piercings did you have? Ears and button
10) What car did you drive? none
11) Had your heart broken? Just my spirit. (:
12) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Taken

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My mother came into my room the other night and asked if she had talked to me about this picture. I asked what picture. She showed me a photo that a photographer friend of hers had taken of the four of us about five years ago. I said no and she said it must have been Amanda. ( if i had the photo and i looked – i would post it). She started talking about how the three of us had our hands inter-locked. How it always stood out to her because she has always said how important we are to one another and that represented a bond. It automatically brought a thump to my throat. There was a time when i felt the three of were very close, we don’t fight like normal sisters. We get along well and for many years were especially close. I think of my sisters as my best friends. I love them both dearly. Those two along with my mother are the only people on the planet i would do ANYTHING for.

Things have changed. It’s not like that anymore. I’d like to place blame on someone other than myself but i am sure i bare some of the blame. In the last year things have gone from a comfy loving relationship with the four of us to a struggle to survive. That may sound a little dramatic but it’s honestly how i feel. I haven’t voiced a lot of the frustration and drama i have felt over the last year, mostly to protect what strands are holding it together. I am extremely hurt and feel like i don’t matter to her anymore, like none of us matter now that she has her own ‘family’.

We used to speak all the time; we went out of way to see one another. It’s not like that anymore. If i seem touchy about the subject perhaps bitter it’s my way of trying to reason with the loss i feel. You can only try so hard before you find not so perfect ways of dealing with the hurt.

I understand as families grow up people go their own way but i guess i figured it would be gradual rather than a sharp stab to the heart. Jay and i had another disagreement about this the other day. He suggested i call her and that i try and offer myself up as a role model. I got defensive right off because frankly. Every time i call her when he is there she is distracted and doesn’t care to speak to you. Any other time she’ll talk your ear off. As for being a role model and offering advice and knowledge… you can only do that so much before your words become pointless. Our conversation ended because of this. It truly bothers me that i cant have a calm conversation about this with him. I get that he trying to help but he is too stubborn to back down when i ask. He sees things from an outsiders view. And without sounding high and mighty doesn’t share the same close family dynamic that we do. I’m not highly passionate or defensive about many things – but conversations good or bad about these people bring the best and worst out in me. I have this habit of leaving things alone when times of turmoil arise. It breaks my heart that i don’t know what is going on in her life day to day. There was a day when i felt she would tell me anything and i would be one of the first to be informed of something but that isn’t the case anymore and it’s sad.. and i haven’t figured out the right way to deal with it yet. I’m getting by the only way i know.

I am hoping that the next week and a half will bring some closeness back, some good conversation and hopefully help heal the loss i feel over this whole thing. I’m not angry, i am just really hurt and it may take along time for me to get back to where i felt i was – but i am willing to work on it.

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