It’s been a monumental weekend. Saturday started out like any other day. I woke and called my sister to see what she was up to and then made my weekly call to my mother. Later that day I went into Fredericton for the drive while Amanda did a few things. Later that night my father returned my phone call from earlier in the day. We had a rather interesting conversation where he was very apologetic for not being there for us as we grew up. Mostly Melanie because I was pretty much out of the house before this started happening. During this conversation he said he was going to call Melanie. I went into work that night to pick up some extra hours and when I returned Mel had left a message. Being that it was about midnight when I got home I thought I’d wait until the morning to call her.

So at 8:10 am my phone rang. The first words out of my mouth before I answered the phone were “Jesus fucking Christ that better be for me”. In the last weeks I have received phone calls from pretty much a different person everyday for the person who had this phone number before me and I was instantly pissed that they better not be waking me up at this hour. When I answered the phone it was my dad saying he was coming up for a visit. We had planned to surprise Amanda.. But later she called to talk to the ear infection expert and I had to tell her so her house was clean.

Dad arrived before noon and it was a wonderful visit. During this visit my step mother divulged to Liz that she was sorry for being so mean to us growing up. Between the two of them it’s like they’re finally growing up. Then again they also had mentioned that he had been to the er because of pains in his chest. Strapped to an EKG and had a stress test. Part of me thinks it’s because they are getting old and starting to feel bad for things that went on over the years. The other part of me is thinking it’s because they had a health scare. Hopefully they is nothing wrong with him…. None the less it’s easier to heal your own soul when you know someone acknowledges the crap they put you through over the years.

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that i need to get rid of but some of it is worth keeping..

I often search for perfect words to express how i feel and i stumble miserably. I am not good with words at all. There are so many perfect moments in my life that i wish i could regenerate to remind me of those times.

I have been having a hard time this week. I struggle with my own issues, mostly ones i have caused my self. ..Someone can only hurt you if you let them. No one is responsible for your own happiness. It’s the little things in life.. love fills you up.. All that foolish crap and more.. it’s foolish but it’s true. So i am having a difficult week.. and i am sitting here feeling miserable now that everyone is gone and debating my life and choices, decisions.. blah, blah blah..

And as it often happens i am reminded of this most perfect / simple moment in my life. February 14th 2004. I was at work. Everyone was sick, i was running behind on everything. It’s after 1am and i just spent the last hour cleaning up shit, puke and bathing a cranky old man. I settle on the floor in front of the teeve to fold some laundry and the phone rings. I am completely surprised to find the voice on the other end asking if i would be their valentine. Taken me from the pit of a totally horrible night into this perfectly simple gesture that will never leave my heart. It often bring me a complete sense of love when i remember it. It was the moment after over a month of complete hell in which we tried to repair serious damage that i have done that i started to realize that no matter what i had done to hurt his heart that he truly still loved me despite that anguish i had recently caused him. As i type it out i dont think i can do the feeling justice that I felt that day. There are so many of these moments over the years that do the same. Simple little things that probably mean nothing to other people…. but in my heart it’s those moments that really show me how much i am loved.

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I finally get to sleep about 3:30am and then the phone rings at 8:10am. I was out of bed by 8:30am because i couldnt get back to sleep.. Now i just have to wait around for my wake up call arrive.. and hand deliver Amanda’s surprise..

Let’s hope she doesnt read this until after it arrives.

ohwell. (:

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I am having one of those weeks where i just dont fit, i dont feel right, i dont feel wrong.

I dont know..

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