I’ve got this hateful mood going on that I cant seem to shake. Having said that I don’t think it’s apparent to those around me but I am just disgusted with life right now.

I’m done here in Fredericton for the time being. I go back to Nova Scotia on Sunday and I am not screaming with excitement about that. There are few things that will be nice but overall it’s not my idea of a good time. Tomorrow my sisters and I get to go shopping with the money the mother gives us for Christmas. Last year was the first year that we got to do this and it was rather fun. It’s a time to pick and tease one another and I enjoy it more than I really should. Plus I take a great deal of secret pleasure in being called the big little sister - someday it’ll catch up with me I am sure. But I really do have two of the best sisters in the world – both for different reasons but it’s just great getting to experience all our different personality traits and similarities in such a harsh way.

Speaking of which - Who loves trying on clothes? (and if there is someone out there who does they’d have to be skinny and have the perfect body - gah!). Getting new clothes is fun but putting a size on that’s supposed to fit and it doesn’t is such a kick in the nuts.

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That’s all I have to say – Carry on.

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We got our first major snow fall yesterday. I love snow, not the cold so much. One thing that amazes me every time it snows is how clean and peaceful the earth looks. This morning it’s back to how it normally looks - cold and trampled.

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I like to be alone; it’s something I often stress. I like being able to dance around in my undies and sing out of tune without feeling self consciences. I like to be able to poo with the door open and not worry I am going to gag someone. I like doing things the way I do them without being second guessed or criticized. But there are so many things that I have gotten used to doing alone that I wish I didn’t have to. Like eating, sleeping, watching movies, dealing with shit in my head and most importantly orgasms.

I’m not sure exactly when I started feeling like this but it seems like I feel more alone the last while even when I am surrounded by people. It doesn’t matter if they are loved ones or strangers. It doesn’t matter if I have tons in common with them or nothing. It’s like I sit by and watch these people live theirs lives in those moments and I somehow fade away like I am not really there.

I wish in my life there was some kind of happy medium between feeling crowded and feeling empty and alone. For a few months I had been battling this overwhelming feeling of loneliness/sadness/emptiness and thankfully it’s subsided in the last weeks. There have been moments where I find myself in the exact same spot and I get scared. There have been times in the last year that I am sure I should be on some kind of medication. The completely sane rational part of me tells me that’s silly and I am just a girl with crazy fucked up emotions, that I should just learn to deal with the hormonal side that rears it’s ugly head now and then. I suspected that I am just trying to figure out which parts of me are real and which parts are just hyper sensitive to situations.

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