This post may seem silly, over emotional and possibly seem like I am reading more into things than need be. I thought about just writing it down for myself and leaving it so I could some day come and see where I was at with all this but I am interested to know how others feel about this whole topic. I’m not too sure what I am looking for whether it’s reassurance that I am not being a drama queen for feeling this way or if I am curious how much you have ever thought about this. I guess it’s up to you on how you interrupt this.
About a month ago I went looking for a book to read in this house. My mother loves to read so finding a book isn’t hard, however her choice in reading material isn’t always mine. She loves true crime / horror; now for the most part I like those but I don’t always feel like reading them. I found several books that interested me somewhat.. during this search she asked me what I was doing. I told her looking for a book; she suggested a few and offered me a few she had hidden in her room. I took the three books I had picked up here with me and didn’t get to them until just about 2 weeks ago.
I have taken care of 7 people over the years that have slowly died of some form of cancer. It, in my opinion is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. There is nothing worse than watching someone slowly deteriorate to nothing. To watch their weight drop, the cheeks begin to sink, see bones that once weren’t visible, the pain, the hallucinations. So many things that will never be erased from my mind. Things I feel make me a better person and things I am sort of thankful I got to experience but never set out to be a witness to.. Hopefully I will never have to watch someone I love suffer this way.
Why am I telling all this? Because one of the books I picked to read dealt with this. I had never heard of the movie let alone the book. As I choose to read this I never imagined it would stir the emotions that it has. If you didn’t open the link here’s the basics on the book.
Few moments in life are as powerful, emotionally charged or rife with humor as returning home to visit your parents as an adult. For ambitious New York journalist Ellen Gulden, the journey back to her quaint hometown in the midst of a crisis is all of those things. Returning home to help her father care for her terminally-ill mother, Ellen must confront a relationship with her mother that has always been strained. While Kate is a homemaker with small town hobbies, Ellen worships her father as an intellectual who nurtured her own writing aspirations. But when her father’s behavior is revealed as less than perfect, the balance of her family is altered. In the face of her mother’s impending death, Ellen is forced to reevaluate everything she thought she knew about her family, her past and even her life itself.
I set out reading this book not fully realizing what this book was about. The only idea I had was that this girl is accused of murdering her mother. Even several chapters in I still had no clue. I trudged through it at first as it was a simple but funny read, something to engross myself in on break time or at the end of the evening when all my work was done.. This week that all changed. Early in the week I realized the mother in the book was dying of cancer and as it began to reveal details of the strained relationship between mother and daughter and the horrifying details of what the cancer was doing I started finding myself crying as I read. As it revealed details of what the cancer was doing to her mind and body I could visibly see the effects in my head.
I’m not sure if I am glad I started reading this book as it is starting to make me sad. I could walk away from the book and leave it be but I am also drawn to it, I want to know how it all ends.
As I stated earlier I know what it is like personally to watch people slowly die on a day to day bases. I also know what it’s like to have a strained relationship with a parent. Somehow reading this book has woken me up, that someday my mother is going to die and if I have any say in it I will be the one with her as this happen. Up until this past week I had always said “ I will take care of you when you are dying. I will gladly do that no questions asked” I agreed to that and never gave it much thought; I just knew it would someday happen. I am not trying to shove her in the coffin but suddenly it seems like something that could happen much too soon.
I think all this is brought on by the fact that up until this past year my relationship with my mother was not the best. Over the course of this last year I have helped take of her emotionally and done things for her / with her that I had never done on a regular base. I don’t regret or begrudging do a single one of these things. There have been many points in the book where the mother passes on simple little things to the daughter through words. She passes on her secrets to being a good housewife. I see myself sitting with my mother as she retells stories I have lost intimate details of or telling me new stories that I did not know. I feel incredibly lucky after all these years of not living with her to have this time to get to know her and the stories of family and friends.
And as I read it I somehow felt like I was reading my own story. It may seem completely silly but it truly struck a major cord with me. I had been known to have tears running down my face and suck the snot back in my nose when reading or watching something I find emotional. I will openly admit that I will cry over just about anything I watch or read but never more than silent tears. I had been that way off and on throughout the last one hundred pages of the book. Thursday night however it was much different. The last words I read as I sat in the office chair at work waiting for the last ten minutes of my shift to end were.
“How is she?” he said.
“she’s dead” I replied. “I’ll go make the coffee.”
At that point I was all alone in an office reading with Kleenex in my hand and I sobbed out loud. As soon as I heard those noises leave my mouth I sucked them back realizing that I was no longer being quiet. It truly shocked me that I was sobbing over this, not just quietly crying. It was like I knew her and I was mourning her loss.
I am not sure what else there is to say. I think this is the first time reading a book has caused this kind of emotion in me. I’m sure it’s not the greatest book ever written but at this point it has become one of my favorites. I share nothing in common with Ellen other than we are both daughters. Our stories are very different but somewhere in the pages it became an eye opener and let me relive what it is like to watch someone die.
I could probably read the last bit of the book in a matter of a couple hours but I find that I have to put it down to recover and collect myself before reading more. I am sure it would have made more sense to write this once I was finished but at this point this is how I feel.
Somehow I never imagined I would be seriously thinking that my mother will die some day. The thought that she will suffer like I have seen or like the woman in the book scares me.. a lot.