this is my life.. this week.

May 26th, 2006 @ 2:04 pm

I am up and wide awake it’s only 10 am, though I have been up for nearly 45 minutes. Given the chance I am not a morning person so for me to be up before 10 am is a big feat in itself. Lately I have myself in this cycle where I go to bed between 2-5 am and don’t roll out of bed until 11:30am-1pm. It has been working for me but lately I find myself struggling to go to sleep and struggling even more to get out of bed. I decided that despite the fact that there is nothing going on before 11am in my world that warrants getting up for I’d try and do so.

Big brother starts soon, I don’t want to call myself out as a reality TV junkie because I am not but I LOVE this show and it excites me more than it really should. This show seems a little too slow paced and not exciting enough for the average survivor or amazing race fan but for me it works. I look forward to it each year. *sigh*

The weather has been total crap the last two weeks. After getting a small sunburn a couple weeks ago I am just dying to get out there and fry my skin. Now if only Mother Nature would cooperate with me I could get myself from a ghostly white to a well burnt tomato.

I made an appointment this week to get kitty sliced and tugged. Her being almost six month old just goes to prove my point that time moves way too quickly. She is technically my cat but I don’t imagine that I will take her when I leave here. I’m rather fond of her and I can tell more so than any other cat that she is rather fond of me. (:

On the subject of leaving. It’s been really apparent that I am just about sick of living here. Don’t get me wrong – living with my mother is one hundred times better than I thought it would be.. I just need a change of scenery I think. I’ve grown bored of this environment and most of the people who live in it. Now if only I had the money to travel the world. ):

The idea of packing my stuff up doesn’t really appeal to me. I did this last year. I moved from Truro to here in 2 dozen or so boxes. I left the things that I thought were important to the last and tried to keep most of them with me. It seems that I’ll be doing the same soon enough. My mother is planning on moving out to the country in late August and i’ll be going to see Jay in early August. This doesn’t seem so bad; in fact it secretly excites me. However it means that as I pack my belongings to go visit Jay I will have to have everything in this room packed before-hand. I get stressed out enough over packing for a trip let alone packing my life back up and not being the one to move it.

And I do believe that’s enough of my life to get you all through until next week. Have a good weekend. As usual I plan to do a whole lot of nothing. (:

All by myself!

May 23rd, 2006 @ 6:10 pm

Often people make comments to me like “Don’t you get lonely?” or “How can you spend so much time alone?”. I’m not sure how the rest of the world works but apparently I am an oddball. I like being alone, I like knowing I don’t have worry that if I decide to pick my nose someone is going to see me and crucify me. I like being able to sit in my panties and not worry that someone is looking at my rolls thinking I am disgusting. I am a quiet person and i like the quiet..On the other hand I also enjoy spending time with people but for the most part I’d rather just be by myself or with one or two other people.

Yesterday was one of those days. I did see my mother for 20 minutes and have to answer the phone twice but otherwise I was completely alone for the day. I have had people asked me if I am depressed because of this anti-social behavior I have but honestly most of the time I’m pretty happy to be alone. There are times when I am feeling pretty lonely or rejected and I shut myself off from the world. I’d just rather not have to deal with people. I find I get like this most often after I have had a lot of people around and no alone time.

If I get lonely enough or want to do something with people I seek them out but generally I am just content being by myself…

All in all I would hope I am pretty normal but I look at it this way.. If you cant be okay with being by yourself how are you ever going to be okay with someone else.

wedding days

May 21st, 2006 @ 4:05 pm

Yesterday was my cousins wedding day. It was a relatively small wedding but quite nice none the less. It had threatened to rain all week but thankfully it turned out to be a lovely day, minus a little windiness. I got to see some relatives I hadn’t seen in ages. Both from my fathers and my mothers side of the family.

When trying to find a brides maid dress my sister was troubled with finding one that would not cut into her small budget, was stylish and of course the right color. She stressed about this for months but in the end I had the perfect dress for her. After being in Brenda’s wedding in Oct of 2004 I was left with a onetimewearonly dress. You know the kind.. the kind you have to get to be a brides maid and usually never wear again – this was my second. I loved my dress and could probably have it altered in some way to make it a little more appropriate for things other than fancy get-togethers. So this dress wasn’t exactly the butter yellow my cousin was after but pretty damn close so my sister got a free ride.

Really I don’t have much more to say on the matter other than I had a good time. Both my sisters were home for a couple days and I do enjoy them immensely despite the complaining I may do about them from time to time. So I leave you with a picture of the four of us. It’s not the best picture as most of us are squinting due to the sun being in our eyes – but you get the point. In case you don’t know – from left to right. Melanie, Amanda, myself and my mother
( Also this happens to be youngest to oldest but often enough I am usually told I look to be the youngest).

solace in solitude

May 18th, 2006 @ 6:45 pm

I find it difficult to drag myself away from the internet to get caught up in a book. I guess I figure I read more than enough online why bother reading offline, too?

While I have been taking a break from reading online I have picked up a book to read offline. Nestled deep in the pages of the book I found a lovely little poem that I thought i would share.

We are not lovers
Because of the love we make
But the love we have.

We are not friends
Because of the laughs we spend
But the tears we save.

I don’t want to be near you
For the thoughts we share
But the words we never have to speak.

I will never miss you
Because of what we do
But what we are together.

-Nikki Giovanni

Until next time.. take care.. (:

Three years ago..

May 13th, 2006 @ 11:15 am

There are a few big days each year from my past that stand out to me. Date wise it’s today but it all went down this past Tuesday three years ago.

There is nothing left of that time but scars and a few really good memories. The one good thing I held on to from that time in my life died last November. I have been over it for a long, long time now. I have no what ifs or ill feelings about it. I look forward to what may be in store for me but its days like today when it all comes crashing back.

Some days it seems like yesterday and some days it seems like a lifetime ago. I have trouble remembering the tiny intimate details but the big ones are still fresh in my mind. That one day gave me a whole new life full of hopes, dreams, fears, joys, and excitment. I feel like I have changed very little, loved a lot, been places, experienced things I never dreamed of but when it boils down to it I am still the same scared girl on the bathroom flooring having a panic attack.

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