1) My uncle once: flipped his 4wheeler and broke his neck
2) Never in my life: have I ridden in a hot air balloon. ):
3) When I was five: my sister Amanda was born. (okay I lie.. she was born in April and I didn’t turn 5 until August).
4) High School was: not a great time in my life. It started out badly but didn’t end too bad.

5) I will never forget: the night my dad threatened to kill himself. I remember every detail of it.
6) I once met: man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today, I wish, I wish he’d go away.
7) There’s this girl I know who: is more fragile than she appears.
Once, at a bar: I was escorted out by 4 bouncers
9) By noon I’m usually: just rolling out of bed
10) Last night: I spent over six hours on the phone with trouble.
11) If I only had: a brain
12) Next time I go to church: I hope to see someone I love getting married.

13) Terry Schiavo: is partying with the pope in hell *sheepish grin*
14) I have a confession to make: but I don’t think I can trust you.
15) When I turn my head left, I see: some stuffed animals and a photo of Jay and I.
16) When I turn my head right, I see: the TV
17) You know I’m lying when: I cant keep a straight face.
18) Everyday, I constantly think about: mistakes I have made
19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: Ophelia
20) By this time next year: I don’t know where I will be or what I will be doing.
22) I have a hard time understanding : scientific things.
23) If I ever go back to school I’ll: become a physiotherapist
24) You know I like you if: I speak to you more than a couple times a week.
25) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: My momma

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: umm
27) Take my advice, never: lick an electric fence
28) My ideal breakfast is: sausage and a bagel
29) A song I love, but do not have is: hmm. I cant think of any.
30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest : turning around and leaving..
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: they all can be little things?

32) Why won’t anyone : rub my belly.
33) If you spend the night at my house : I might snuggle with you.

34) I’d stop my wedding for : any damn reason I want.
35) The world could do without : bugs
36) I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: the ass of a cockroach.
37) My favorite blonde is : Kate Hudson
38) Paper clips are more useful than: rubber bands?
39) If I do anything well, it’s : folding laundry. ha
40) And by the way: this survey made me think.
41) The last time I was drunk, I: Was a couple weeks ago.

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Only it wasn’t a dream it was events that unfolded in the past. It’s not something I have told anyone but Rob about (and I don’t even know that I told him the full story, maybe minor details of it) and it’s something that I keep tucked away in the recesses of my brain. During one of my many conversations with my sister last week we got talking about memories of our childhood. I don’t know if she just likes talking about them or if she is trying to put her past together but we talked about them often.

Anyway, somehow we got talking about various memories of my father and houses he has lived in. When we got to a certain house she asked if I had memories of it. As I thought about it I said there weren’t that many good ones but there were a couple big bad ones.

She encouraged me to talk about it, maybe thinking it would help me let go of these demons. After all these years of keeping this to myself I am not about to tell anyone, I don’t think it would make me feel any better. Nor would it do anyone close to the situation any good. I feel at fault, I put my self in the situation and somehow I feel like I knew better. However for whatever reason after roughly 15 years this all is sitting on my conscience weighing me down – wondering if the other person involved feels any guilt now that he has a child of his own. Was it a single incident and was I the only one? Was it simply teenage hormones or was this a more serious issue that I should be worried about.

During this time in my life I was lost, I don’t think I can express how screwed up my life was then or how much I craved any kind of attention. How damaged I was due to another person. I don’t think the events of that time have left me scarred but they don’t leave me with a good feeling of how I let a person I trusted take advantage of me.

I really don’t know what my point is.. or even if I have one but I am hoping to send these memories back to a place where I don’t think about them often. I only hope this isn’t a place where I will stay long; I have no use for reflection of painful memories or the issues it brings back up.

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Where even though there are tons of things going on around you, you just feel unloved and unappreciated? Even though you are not forgotten somehow you just feel that way? All it would take to make it better is for someone to say those things you long to hear…. Even though you know deep down those around you don’t feel the way you feel.

It’s been a crazy five days. I tried to get in as much Melanie time before she left Saturday. I don’t think I have felt this lonely and lost since I came back in April. She jumped on me before she left and asked if I was going to miss her and if she was my best friend. I wouldn’t go as far as saying she is best friend but she came pretty damn close in the last few months. I find it hard to believe that once again someone who had been so close to me and made my days so much better is now away from me. Granted she’s not out of my life by any means but by Saturday night I had started missing the simple things that we had once done together. The house seems so much more different now that’s she’s not here. She wasn’t loud or in your face but she was just around the corner when I needed a giggle.

There was much packing, unpacking, cleaning and moving done this week. I don’t know as I sit here and look around at my clutter how I managed to fit it into such a small room. Having space and privacy once again is lovely but at the same time I feel a little lonely up here all by myself. On the up side Fraser has spent the last day by my side. It took him a couple days to figure out that Chip and Melanie were no longer up here. I do catch him sniffing and being nervous as he catches a sent of her.

There have been a couple other incidents that have gone on in the last four days that have left me wondering “what the fuck” Some of which I would just sooner keep to myself for fear of looking dumb. (:

I made my mother cry Thursday night and I still feel quite bad about it even though she left me a note the next day saying she was sorry for the way she acted. I am trying my hardest to be sensitive to the things going on around her and not add to any of it. Sometimes I forget that she’s not the mother I hated as a teenager and when she doesn’t agree with what I have to say I strike out at her. It’s been a long time since I have been a submissive child in this relationship and I have to keep that in check. Once I moved out I stopped doing things to make her happy and started doing as I pleased, and even though I put thought into whether or not something would hurt her she no longer had the control that she once had. We don’t talk about the years of living with her that were less than pleasant because she gets really upset about the things that she put me through. Don’t get me wrong my life wasn’t as bad as those last few lines make it seems and she was never a bad mother – it just took her years to learn how to be a good mother since she had one of the worst mothers on the plant.. But it’s in the moments like Thursday that I find myself lashing out at her for all things that occurred in the past. I try and stick with “the past is the past … you cant hurt me anymore” because she’s a much different person than she was 10 or 20 years ago but sometimes it’s hard not to feel 11 again staring down the woman I feared for so long. One of these days soon when it’s just her and I plan to apologize for my actions and tone.

Other than those things and the things I have left out I am good. I need to find something to keep me busy until I figure out exactly what I am doing. Plus I would like to drop 10 pounds – so that’s my project for the time being

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Melanie and I went up to the house last night and gathered up all my boxes and brought them down here. The only thing left is my bed which she will be taking with her when she moves Saturday *sigh*. I feel like I havent done anything in months *smirk*… because after moving those boxes today I hurt badly. My back and arms hurt.. Poor me.

I found it hard to believe that the last 11 years of my life managed to fit into 11 boxes. Somehow I thought when I left Truro there were more. I’ve never been a pack rat – this was always helped along because I don’t tend to stay in one dwelling more than two years. So each time I moved I always managed to throw at least a couple garbage bags of junk I had been holding on to out.

Melanie wanted to go through my boxes hoping she would get something out of it. She in fact did - a grill and sammich maker. I went through some ornaments which each hold some special memory and all the cards I had been saving for years. There isn’t much I hold on to except cards and probably for the wrong reason. There was a time I had all the love letters (and there weren’t that many) along with stuffed animals I had collected over the years. The wonderful ex of mine threw them out, he said it was on accident and I think he just didn’t want them around…

But I digress, looking at these cards always brings back various memories and several times as I went through the box that holds them I was brought to tears. It was funny at one point as I read a birthday message from Jay last night I was stumbling on words and Melanie says “ He’s got the best hand writing I have ever seen why are you finding it so hard to read it” and I sucked the snot back in my nasal passage I screeched out “Because it’s hard to cry and read at the same time, damn it!”

Sometimes it’s good to cry for the right reasons. (:

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