I’m still battling my cold but add to that being tired and cranky. I haven’t slept more than two hours at a time in the last four days which has made me cranky.

For whatever reason I am not having a good week – I just feel out of place.

I have this tightness in my chest, I am not sure whether it’s anxiety / tension / stress or I am getting ready to have a heart attack / stroke.. But it’s been there for the last three days.

Then add to that the events that are unfolding at work and I am wondering why people bother. I have pretty much decided that I will be leaving work at the end of January, unless of course something unexpected happens. I had hoped to make it through these last few months without watching anyone die. It’s not going to happen that way, though. No matter how many times I go through this it never gets any easier. I think what bothers me the most is I have spent over two years looking after this person, keeping them healthy, happy and clean. Now I get to watch them wither away to nothing. It breaks my heart that death doesn’t come easy for so many people.

As I sat by herself bedside last night with only the sound of her labored breathing to keep me company I wondered … If people know they are going to end up in this state why do we even bother?. You come into this world fragile and your fate is in the hands of another. You then learn to survive on your own only to have all that independence taken away from you and in the end you leave this world the same way you came in.

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