Everyday this week I have received a phone call saying.. “This is a message for an individual at this number….. This is not a solicitation, please take a moment and get a pen to take this number down The number is 1 888 769 9272 Extension 4034…. Or you can press 1 to speak to a representative… or stay on the line for an agent”

Every god damn time except for today they have woke me up. I have called three times to have my number removed as no Stanley (insert my last name) lives here. At one point the lady says to me. “If it’s bothering you you could always turn your ringer off”. It’s not my problem why should I have to turn my ringer off because you bastards can’t remove a number from your machines?

You know if this was my problem it would be one thing. I was extremely pissed off Wednesday by this matter now I am just beyond mad.

I’m not a hater but I am wishing terrible things on Stanley right now.

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Over the last four or five days I have sat trying to write several entries. Each time I sit here in tears trying to come up with what to say. I am still trying to figure out what exactly to say, how I feel past the great sense of loss that seems to cut so deep. Each time I have closed the window feeling like no one would want to read that whiny garble.

So here goes nothing, this I am sure is going to be very long. I’m going to go back in time to where it all started and go through it trying to get everything out in one shot. You may want to go take a bathroom break and grab a snack, even a pillow as you may fall asleep reading this or move on past this

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Life is slowly getting back to as normal as it will get for me. I returned to work last night feeling lost. The night for the most part was quiet and slow. I was happy to see Mary and Marguerite, though I really hadn’t missed any of them. I started reading the book my mother gave me around midnight. I think I dozed off about three and half chapters into it. I woke roughly 40-50 minutes later in a complete daze. I had fallen asleep in the chair which I never sit in so I was given a new angle on the room and totally confused as to where I was. I must have been dreaming about being with him in some part of the US, I sat there trying to figure out exactly where I was. I stared at the CTV logo on the TV confused as to why I would be watching a Canadian TV station there. I nearly felt the question leave my lips “When did you get this channel?” I stared at the couch trying to remember where I had seen it before, it looked incredibly familiar but I couldn’t place it. Then finally I realized where I was and I felt my eyes tear up.

I am trying to think positive about this whole situation because there are so many good things that came out of it but it’s hard not to dwell on the miles that separate us. I feel like I am missing a part of myself, like I left something behind – and frankly I did. The scary thing is it all feels like a huge dream, I keep going over memories in my head of facial expressions, conversations and moments of intimacy replaying them so they stay vivid in my mind. It went so quickly, then again the last four months before this big adventure snuck up so very quickly. I am hoping that the next month and half do the same.

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This is kinda fun, taken from Babs.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends

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