Another life is coming to end where I work, only this time it seems so much more heartbreaking. I really don’t know what it is, I see people come and I see people go ‘ usually in the worst way possible. Somewhere along the line I let this man in. He’s not best candidate for my love, he’s been abusive and hard to deal with. He can be sweet, the words “Thank you dear, it’s lovely” will never escape my thoughts.

As I see him lying there, staring at the ceiling with an empty look in his eyes my heart aches. While watching over his boney body, I feel helpless. Words that used to seem so clear to me have all but become moans or mumbles. The man who used to gobble down his food like he hadn’t eaten in weeks has become a poster for those third world country children. The hands that used to squeeze mine till they bruised have no strength left in them. Each day there is less and less hair, and teeth are now falling out. It’s not a pretty picture but it’s what reality dishes out.

There is still fight left but it is slowly leaving, each day it seems to escape like air leaving through a small prick in a balloon. I used to fear the day when there was no air left. Oddly, I know I deeply care for this man because I want to be the one there when he finally takes his last breath. I want to be the one to tell him I love him, that he’s not alone. That his wife and daughter are waiting for him with open arms. I simply can’t imagine not being there.

Last night, as I had my hand in his, rubbing the top of his hand I couldn’t imagine not being here. I am sure this is the reason I agreed to two extra shifts this week.

More than any other person he has effected me and I can’t seem to get the smell of death out of my mind, It’s coming - I only hope soon for there isn’t much left to him. Why people are left to suffer is something I will never grasp…

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I am slowly recovering from my near death experience with my cold. All that seems to be left is a nagging little cough. I can breathe through my nose now and my ears only feel slightly plugged up. I have a huge headache this am, but I think that is due to the way I slept.

Everyone at work has it, or is getting over it. I get to go work today and fill in for someone because they’re too sick to come in. This is nice because I was really starting to get lonely sitting around here with nothing to do but wait. I was out pretty much everyday I’ve had off but it’s in the evenings that I seem to be craving something to do.

On the way home yesterday we were driving down my road and Martha is like “Is that a bird?” and as we get closer she’s like “No, that’s a damn rat!” I am not kidding you the thing had to be the size of my cat Milo. I am sure it wasn’t a rat; it looked more like a muskrat. So when I got out of the car I went to check my mail box and check him out. As I got closer I was only reassured that it was a muskrat. Now I know nothing of them, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one.. But this poor little guy looked so sad. Both side of my road have snow at least 4 feet high and he’s waddling down the road waiting to become road kill. As I approached him he didn’t run, he started following me; at this point I thought it best to move on. Why am I worried about this little fat thing? I have no idea. I just hope I don’t run into him tonight on my way home, and he doesn’t bite. Eeps!

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From Miss Joni

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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After the 70 (27 inches) plus centimeter’s of snow that got dumped on us Thursday we’re getting up to another 25 centimeters (9 inches). I think this is the first time since I was a kid that I have seen anything like this. Although I am sure the amount of snow seemed a lot higher because I was short?

I’m sick and I am sure I just might die. My ears and sinuses feel like they might implode. My throat and entire body aches. My nose is stuffed up, I hate having a stuffed up nose. I need to go out this afternoon and find me some good drugs, movies and food.

I was supposed to go home yesterday afternoon but since I feel like hell, the roads weren’t clear and my mother has yet to be ploughed out I think I’ll be staying home. This sucks because I had pretty much a week off, though now I can rest up and hopefully feel better.

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