Yesterday was not a good day at all.
I had gotten up at 11am or so but went back to bed around 12:30 feeling a little sad and angry. I slept off and on till 3pm when i finally got up. At first I felt fine but within two hours i felt terrible. Now it could have been just my body or it could have been the emotions of yesterday. But no matter which one caused it I wont go into details as it’s a nasty gross story of body functions I’d rather not discuss. (:
It was topped off by one of the meanest headches I have ever experienced. I tried to sleep in hopes that it would kindly leave the building but no such luck. It was one of those ones that is fine till you move then it bitchslaps you letting you know it’s still there.
Eventually i felt good enough to watch the movie we had rented. “Darkness Falls”, now i hadnt heard anything good about this movie but I rather enjoyed it. Actually i found it a little scary and thought about taking a flashlight to bed with me.
After the movie was over I felt hellish. I think climbing the stairs to bed did me in. I tossed and turned most of the night in pain - getting no relief.
This morning i dont feel much better, although the pounding has calmed enough for me to move about. So maybe I’ll go back to bed for another couple hours and hope it flat out stops.
This-or-That Tuesday - What is?
1. Yummier: Chocolate ice cream or strawberry cheesecake? I do adore cheesecake but it’s not something i could eat as offten as chocolate ice cream.
2. Better to watch on TV: Movies or sports? Durr, movies.
3. A better web browser: MSIE or Netscape (or tell us your own favorite!) They both have good and bad points but i use IE.
4. A better way to travel: Automobile or bus/train? An Automobile.
5. Your preferred camera: Digital or film? Digital, because you dont waste film and I dont have to get it developed.
6. A Cooler Vehicle: Motorcycle or sports car? Sports car.
7. More fun: Video games or board games? I like board games.
8. Sexier: A perfect body or an intelligent mind? Intelligent mind
9. A stinkier smell: Skunk or gasoline (petrol)? Skunk.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: What is more important to you: making a ton of money and being at the top of your field, or finding your soulmate and living a comfortable but not wealthy life? Finding a soulmate and living cozy.
. . .
Sometimes i feel like I am balancing dozens of books on my head, one wrong step and they’ll all fall down. Now dont get me wrong i have a pretty good life no matter how much i like to complain. Things are up, things are down just like everyone else.
There are always people in our lives that we cant say no to, cant stay mad at - no matter how hard you try. I’ve always been that way. No matter how much i want to hate a person I cant. I remember being a teenager and hating my mother more than I have ever hated anyone, thinking terrible nasty thoughts and in the next thought feeling bad for thinking them.
In the past months there have been a lot of things go on and a lot of things that made me want to hate. Somewhere in the midst of this hatred I found myself, the strong girl who i never knew. I am sick of feeling like i have no control over my life nor the people around me. I said the most hurtful words i could think of the other day and i got very little repsonse, now maybe because they were the most hurtful words I could imagine hearing.. somehow no matter what I do I still end up feeling helpless.
The people i treasure the most seem to be slipping away and I cant stop it, i try and be caring and understanding and i get walked on. I try to be tough and apathetic and I get ignored. I really cant win.
I have given up, I have no will to fight for anything anymore..
You know I cant even stay on the same topic anymore, they all run together - Everything is related somehow and I find myself blending them all into one. Then again it’s all happening to me and I cant help but make it all one big issue.