i had this really bad scare last week. My mother had been to the doctor in December. She had been given paper work to have blood work done and some samples taken. She has put it off until this past Friday. Early last week her doctor had called saying her blood work was in and she needed to see her right away. She had had an appointment for the 14th of July but they wanted to see her right away.

I’m not sure if it’s my total fear of what’s going to happen when she does or if it’s her telling me for years that she’s going to die young that eats at me more. Let me just say that my mother is a fairly healthy woman and i shouldnt fret about these things before they even come up but this “we’d like to see you right away” freaked me right out.

I spent the day and half waiting in total panic mode. I’m not sure if being thousands of miles away that make it worse or not. I’m not a fretter or worry wart. I never used to be easily upset by such things but these days any mention of a family member being ill sends me into a state.

I used to despise my mother, and i use despise lightly. Once i moved back in with her in 2005 something changed. This massive protective side i never knew i had emerged. There have been things happen over the last four years that sent me into complete attack mode. She often says i am like her best friend and although i wouldnt go that far in expressing my feelings towards her it’s much deeper than that for me.

Going from one extreme to the other has made silly little scares like this make me wonder what will happen someday.

Apparently her white blood cell count was through the roof. From what i can tell that happens when you have a really bad infection or leukemia. They figured it was an infection and gave her some super antibiotics to help combat it. She eventually go back and see if the drugs fixed what was wrong.

Another major thing that sits in the back of my head nagging me is the fact that she has told me if she found out she had months to live she wouldnt tell anyone until she had to. How does one comprehend such info when a situation like this comes up.

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Things around here are slowly changing. About a month ago we got rid of the ugly blue blinds and had a new patio door installed. totally love the new door. It has the blinds built in between the panes of the door. It’s allowed for more light and more space in the room. It also just looks very nice.

This past weekend we finally got the garage door installed. It only took like a month and a half of ordering, measuring and re-ordering a different one before this one got put in. This door has windows in it and you wouldnt believe the amount of light it lets in. Hopefully this means the garage will be sorted out soonish. The only reason the clutter out there hasnt drove me nuts is because i very rather went out there.

Then today three new doors were installed. They also have a window in them. It’s more modern and nice looking. All these new doors make it brighter and cleaner looking.

I think we might have also somewhat settled on the colors for two bathrooms. One new light is up in the kitchen and hopefully the other will go up before i leave so i can get to see it.

Lots of changes, not the visible changes i had hoped would happen before i headed back to Canada but i am hoping they are stepping stones to the things i feel are more important.

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Just finished washing the dogs. Daisy puts up a little fuss but is pretty good about it. Jake wants nothing to do with getting in the bathtub. This time i decided to take my pants off and just get up in there. Now i smell like dog shampoo – but i am clean from the waist down, i would think.

I also took the god damn ugly heart border off the kitchen tonight. I now have to wait and see if sir notices it and gives the go ahead to get rid of the creepy angel border. I HATE wallpaper – but i SUPERHATE border.

Not feeling so hot today or all this week..really.

I’ll get back to this i hope. I miss typing out my shit. I’m not sure what happened. I dont vent here, i dont vent to Bren or Becka.. anymore. dont know what’s up with that but hopefully it means i have less to bitch about.

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I love my mommy, a lot. However the last two conversations i have had with her have left me not wanting to have another.

Last week we were talking about my sisters wedding and then my other sisters baby. She started going on about how people are going to keep asking me why i am the only one not married or doesnt have any children. It upset me quite a bit though i went on about how i was the smart one. Later that day i decided i was gonna shit faced and pass out on the lawn – not really but it would have been a good plan if i have been sucessfull. I apparently got a good buzz on and got defensive/hyper-sensitive. I dont feel it went that way but from his side of the story that is what happened. If it indeed went down like that i am sure it was because i felt battered already.

I havent felt good the last 30hours or so. I got some serious allergies going on, i have a big blister on my index finger (boiling water across the hand will do that) and i cant seem to keep any food in my body for more than 2 hours.

Mel had called yesterday about some mail questions and at the end asked if i wanted to talk to mom. I wasnt feeling good and felt a bathroom trip coming on so i told her i would call today.

I called today and everything seemed cool, no mention of my empty life. Then out of the blue she asked what my plans are six months from now. Where i wanted to be. I expressed here is where i want to be. The conversation danced around a couple points which brought me to tears. Mostly because i feel exactly what she said but I am not sure how to go about it.

I dont know.. more thought on it all i guess..

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